About two months ago I had my very first panic attack. Now, I’ve definitely freaked out before. I’ve gotten incredibly emotional, erratic, temporarily insane… It’s not the same thing, though. See, when you’re just freaking out there’s a sense of agency. You may feel overwhelmed, but ultimately you’re driving that sensation. You’re voluntarily wrapped up in it – even if you’re responding to events that are outside your control. Panic attacks, though, are pretty firmly involuntary.
When the projection of the life I thought I wanted crumbled on April 1st – literally, all of it came crashing down in an instant – I sort of lost it. I took a few weeks to crash with my folks, see old friends and generally get my shit together. It worked.
I came back home and found myself refreshed and ready. The last two months have been incredible, really. There has been some anxiety here or there, but no big episodes and for the most part I’ve been happy, if not ecstatic. Things, generally, are really great. So when I had another panic attack this morning it’s safe to say I was not only confused but terrified.
There was no trigger. No thought. No event. Just difficulty breathing and a racing heart. “Okay, this has happened before. No big deal. Let’s breathe and wait it out.” No dice. “Okay, let’s go home and get your medicine and lay down for a bit.” Getting worse. “Okay… Shit.” Face goes numb. “Hospital time.”
It’s hard to describe how incredibly vulnerable you feel in these situations. It’s worse when you’re fully cognizant of what is happening to you, but you just can’t stop it. It’s the worst, though, when you can’t even conjure up a reason for it. Scary to think that when everything is so great, your body can still behave like the sky is falling.
I don’t want to focus on that, though. It’ll just increase the anxiety.
Life is good. I’m not unemployed and I’m generally healthy. Life is great. I have awesome friends and absolutely love West Virginia. Life is amazing. I have a wonderful family and I find more reasons, every day, to appreciate my girlfriend.
I don’t really know much about these kinds of things – mental health and all that jazz – and the more I think about it (especially in regard to myself) the less sense it all makes…
