Sometimes it takes a little shake-up to get you moving again. So when I panicked and hit the ER last week – that was the shake-up. I was shaken for a few days afterward, too. I didn’t think that I was – I insisted that I felt okay. I did feel okay. I hadn’t fully processed it, though.
Taking a few days off work, though, and finding myself in a few instances where I felt foreign to myself – stressed, moody, uneasy – gave cause for some reflection and recognition.
It’s less something that can be conveyed than something that is felt. I can’t tell you what it is I’ve figured out, just that I have figured it out. Regardless, it’s a nice feeling.
Today we went to the Coal River and swam. Well, it was hardly swimming. It was more like wading along very slippery, moss-covered rocks and trying not to bust our asses. After a while of looking like silly, scared animals – clinging to rocks or scuttling along on all fours – we finally just let go and floated down river. This is sort of what it felt like to figure out my situation… If that helps illustrate at all.
I spend a lot of time trying to keep my footing. A lot of time clinging to rocks to keep from being dragged along with the current, and each time a rock is dislodged and floats down river, I lose my balance and get frustrated. As long as I fight the current, I feel anxious and too-conscious of how vulnerable I am. You let go, though, and just float along and suddenly the water feels nice, the current is friendly, and you don’t have nearly as many scrapes and bruises as you would have had you continued to scramble for solid ground in a rushing river.
I’m ready.
